What Could Have Been
by Raserei Hojo
Summary: Severus had always adored Lily. He's planned for months, and finally, has gathered enough courage to tell her how he feels. But how long will that courage stay, and will it remain when he comes face to face with her?


Severus had been planning for a very long time. He had studied. He had watched. He had learned. After years of preparation, he finally felt ready. Exams were over, and it felt as though his heart was telling him where to go.

He walked through the sweltering heat of June towards the Great Lake, ignoring the crude looks and jeers from his fellow classmates. And then he saw her, breathtaking as always, and even though the exams were over, Lily Evans was pouring over one of her schoolbooks, dark red hair drawn back into a ponytail.

For a moment, Severus' courage fled. Even after all of his careful planning, he felt there could still be something wrong, some error he had not foreseen. Suddenly, Lily looked up and directly at Severus, and even from a distance, he could feel those energetic green eyes penetrate his chest and look directly into his soul. Even from a distance, Severus knew a faint smile was gracing her lips.

He flexed his fingers anxiously and took a deep breath. The rehearsed conversation went through his mind a hundred times in only a few seconds, and he realized, a little too late, that Lily might not respond the way he had expected. Would he be able to improvise? Doubtful.

And then, although he should have heard those familiar footsteps, he was surprised to find himself stumbling forward, flailing his arms wildly and almost falling to the ground, as James shoved him roughly from behind and laughed. After a bit of swaying, Severus managed to regain his balance.

"Hey, Snivellus!" snickered James. "I heard you did well in your exams. Studied all month, did you?"

Severus felt his cheeks grow pink in a flash of fury, but he had to keep his calm; Lily was, after all, watching. "Yes," he said, though it took all of his will to force that lone word through his lips.

A playful, devious grin sprung to James' lips. "Sirius and Lupin and myself…? Didn't study a bit! But personally, I was pulled aside by three teachers. Told me I got top marks, they did."

Try as he might to remain emotionless, Severus could feel his mouth tugging downward into a very unpleasant frown. "How very fortunate for you." Oh, how he wished to withdraw his wand and blast him with a curse. How he _longed _to see that git be made a fool of.

James tilted his head up smugly and turned his attention to Lily. "Hey, Lily!" he said, strutting over to her in a way that reminded Severus of a peacock. "How'd you do on your exams?"

"I did okay," said Lily curtly. She glanced towards Severus, and then back to James. "No need to ask how you did, seeing how you were gloating back there."

Severus stood there watching, his heart beating fast, wanting nothing more than to turn his back on them and retreat back to the Slytherin Common Room. Despite his urgent wishes, his legs remained rooted to the spot.

The conversation between Lily and James seemed distant to Severus now. Oh, why had he thought his plan would work? Why did he even bother to have the slightest hope? It wasn't going to happen! He knew that.

So why did he keep trying? Why did he continue to pursue something so precious that he was not worthy enough to hold? He knew deep down that if he touched something so pure and pristine, it would be soiled forever.

And then, there was a reverberating slap, and everyone turned their heads towards Lily, whose hand was still raised in the air.

"You're such a self-absorbed jerk!" Lily shouted. Her voice was strained and unsteady.

Severus, in alarm, rushed forward a few steps. What had James said to her?

"Self-absorbed?" echoed James, gingerly touching his face where a bruise was quickly forming. "I don't go around slapping people! Don't you have any self-restraint?"

"All you do is crush others into the dirt while raising yourself on your fancy pedestal!" The tension in the air grew with each second of silence that followed.

Suddenly, Severus felt his feet unroot, from the spot, felt himself unwillingly propel himself forward towards Lily. It was if her beauty had him under some kind of spell.

"Fine," breathed James. "If you want to hang out with… with greasy-haired, slimeball _pigs_," he pointed at Severus, "then you go right ahead and befriend him!" And with that, James turned angrily on his heel and stormed off towards the castle.

"He's not a slimeball, and you're the one that's a pig!" shouted Lily after him.

Cautiously, Severus approached Lily, feeling quite guilty for what had just happened. Lily's lip was trembling out of anger, or was it sadness?

"Lily?" said Severus as softly as he could. "Are you okay?" The conversation that he had been rehearsing for weeks completely fled from his mind.

"I'm fine," she said, turning her head away and trying to secretly wipe her eyes. "Half of him is a sweetheart, and the other half of him is a complete monster!"

"I'm…sorry," he forced out. He was truly sorry, but only because of what James had done to Lily. Secretly, he had hoped that he could have gained the courage to shove James into the Great Lake. "It's partly my fault. You were defending me again."

"I'm not going to let James walk all over you, Sev." Lily sniffed and rubbed furiously at her eyes. "Despite what's happened to certain witches and wizards, I know that not everyone from Slytherin is evil-hearted."

"Lily…" Hesitantly, Severus brushed away a few stray tears with his thumb; her skin was so very soft and warm. He remembered all the times when they were younger, when he was always the one at fault. Lily would always get so angry with him and would turn and march home, tightly clutching her sister's hand. Severus couldn't help but smile at the memory.

"You don't deserve to be trampled on," continued Lily. "People say you're cruel and calculating, but it's because of what people have done to you. They're the ones that made you that way. And besides," Lily was smiling now. "When I look into your eyes, I can see such a deep pool of emotion. You have so much love to give. I can feel it."

"I do?" Severus was mildly surprised. He thought it was strange that Lily could see what no one else was able to. But perhaps that was why he was so drawn to her. "Strange."

"I wish you would open up more, Sev. I know that deep down, there's a boy that's so eager to give someone his love. I hope you're able to find that special someone." Lily smiled kindly at Severus.

It hurt to hear those words. Severus hoped to find that special someone, too. But he wanted it to be Lily, not someone else. He had fallen in love with her during the weeks he had spied on her and her Muggle sister. He had only been eight then. Now, seven years later, they were both fifteen years old and ending their fourth year of Hogwarts. And even though Lily was in Gryffindor and he was in Slytherin, his love for her never wavered.

"You seem sad," said Lily. Her voice was quiet, her eyes still red from the tears that had sprung to life minutes ago.

Severus looked at her, taking in her beautiful features. He loved her green eyes, so full of life and energy like a forest brimming with fresh and exciting things. And her hair, it was like a burning fire that only Lily could keep under control. He leaned forward slightly, to finally see how soft her lips really were, but he lost his wit. Instead, he touched the back of her head, and gently pulled her red hair through the hair-tie, letting it flow freely around her shoulders.

Lily just smiled. "Does it bother you when I wear my hair that way? It's so long and gets in my face, so…"

"Oh no," breathed Severus. "It's beautiful any way you style it. Magnificent." He realized what he was saying and flushed pink again, turning his face away. It was too late to take it back, and his love for her was overflowing, swelling in his chest. He turned to look at her again; to see those brilliantly green eyes.

They simply looked at each other, smiling as they had so often when they were alone. It seemed automatic, how Lily tilted her head, hair falling into her face; how Severus lovingly brushed it aside to keep her beautiful face in view; how they both leaned forward, eyes closed; how their lips finally met.

It was like electricity had suddenly sprung to life in Severus. He had wanted this moment so badly; he had dreamed of it for so long. Now that it was happening, he was unable to sort his thoughts.

It was such a wonderful feeling to feel those warm lips against his own, like Lily was breathing life into him. How wonderful it felt to have the courage to place a hand on Lily's slender waist; to run his other hand through her soft, beautifully red hair.

This was the woman he wanted. This was the woman he loved.

But the doubts wove their way into his mind again. He felt filthy for touching someone so beautiful. He felt like the longer he kissed her, the more soiled she would become because of him.

But he wanted this. He needed this. He needed to feel her and her warmth. He needed to show Lily how much he loved her, and he needed to feel the love, big or small, that Lily felt for him.

Reluctantly, he slowly broke the kiss, keeping his eyes closed. He could still feel Lily's body lightly pressed against his own. And what a wonderful, sunny place to be with Lily. He was at a place where he felt at home, beside a beautiful lake, with the most beautiful, most loving woman in the world.

He opened his eyes, and fear snatched his heart. He was older now, so much older, staring at the ceiling of Dumbledore's study, still sitting in the chair across from Dumbledore's desk.

And with sickening dread, he remembered why Lily was not there. He had heard the Prophecy.

He asked Dumbledore to help him protect Lily. But Dumbledore failed to protect her. He had asked Voldemort to spare Lily; kill James and the baby if he must, but please, spare Lily. But Voldemort did not spare Lily.

Tears sprang to his cold, dark eyes, but Severus did not care. He felt his face contort with grief, and he buried his face in his hands. If only he could turn back time…

"I need you to protect the child," said Dumbledore kindly.

Why should he protect him? That boy lived because Lily had died for him! Died for that boy! Would Lily have died for him, too? And why should he do it for Dumbledore, the man who never protected Lily. Severus wrapped his arms tightly around his head. Make it stop, make time go back to that moment with Lily…

"I know you may not take kindly to this task, but Severus… Think of Lily."

"I am thinking of Lily," snapped Severus. He tilted his head up to glare at Dumbledore, almost hatefully, with the same eyes Lily had once said were so full of love. He no longer felt he had love to give. All of it had been meant for Lily, and she, like everything else he had wanted, was taken by that James Potter.

"The boy, he has her eyes. The same color, the same shape. Protect him, so that Lily would not have died in vain."

Severus considered this for a long while, and finally, he nodded slowly, his voice thick with grief. "I will protect him," he said quietly. "I refuse to let Lily's death be meaningless."

---

**Author's Note:** _I'm really nervous about this... I know how huge the Harry Potter community is, and this is my first Harry Potter fanfiction. I hope everyone likes it. Please leave reviews, and feel free to leave constructive criticism. _


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